Here come the tears!

I'm married. I'm in the middle of a divorce. It was a destructive relationship that would have ended badly. I completely identify with "Love the Way You Lie" by eminem because that's where I thing this relationship would have ended up. I'm over him, I've moved on, and I'm completely in love with my Data.

In spite of all that, I feel like a failure. I feel like I gave up. I should have worked harder. I feel like its all my fault.

I told myself my entire life that I would never get divorced. I was a child of divorced parents, my mother was divorced twice. I saw how that effected her and us as children. I know how the bad relationships effected her, and still do. I know how they effected me... and always will.

So I don't have children... lucky for them, but I know this is something that will probably effect me for the rest of my life. Eventually I'll heal, eventually I won't feel like a failure, but it will always be a part of me. And for some reason these last couple days it's really getting to me.

Our 2 year wedding anniversary would have been (technically was) Dec 28th. I didn't even thing about him that day. I was blissfully spending the last day of Christmas leave with Data.

Maybe now that I'm alone for the first time since our marriage started to fall apart I'm finally feeling everything I didn't let myself feel back then. Sadly, now all I want is someone to talk to, and no one is around. Data is in Virginia and his phone is dead. Danity is asleep (and rightfully so, its almost midnight and she has 2 small children). Greg is on deployment, Cowgirl is probably asleep, and so is Bells.

Data called me back... love him! He's the only man I'd ever feel comfortable talking to about how I feel about a past relationship.  He listened to me and wanted to make sure I was ok. He even suggested chocolate. He's such a smart man! I felt horrible about crying to him about AJ. He's the only an who would ever listen to me cry about anything related to my ex.

So tonight, I sip this wine and cry about love lost. And not about the love lost, but a promise I made to myself. A promise I failed to keep.