I'm married. I'm in the middle of a divorce. It was a destructive relationship that would have ended badly. I completely identify with "Love the Way You Lie" by eminem because that's where I thing this relationship would have ended up. I'm over him, I've moved on, and I'm completely in love with my Data.
In spite of all that, I feel like a failure. I feel like I gave up. I should have worked harder. I feel like its all my fault.
I told myself my entire life that I would never get divorced. I was a child of divorced parents, my mother was divorced twice. I saw how that effected her and us as children. I know how the bad relationships effected her, and still do. I know how they effected me... and always will.
So I don't have children... lucky for them, but I know this is something that will probably effect me for the rest of my life. Eventually I'll heal, eventually I won't feel like a failure, but it will always be a part of me. And for some reason these last couple days it's really getting to me.
Our 2 year wedding anniversary would have been (technically was) Dec 28th. I didn't even thing about him that day. I was blissfully spending the last day of Christmas leave with Data.
Maybe now that I'm alone for the first time since our marriage started to fall apart I'm finally feeling everything I didn't let myself feel back then. Sadly, now all I want is someone to talk to, and no one is around. Data is in Virginia and his phone is dead. Danity is asleep (and rightfully so, its almost midnight and she has 2 small children). Greg is on deployment, Cowgirl is probably asleep, and so is Bells.
Data called me back... love him! He's the only man I'd ever feel comfortable talking to about how I feel about a past relationship. He listened to me and wanted to make sure I was ok. He even suggested chocolate. He's such a smart man! I felt horrible about crying to him about AJ. He's the only an who would ever listen to me cry about anything related to my ex.
So tonight, I sip this wine and cry about love lost. And not about the love lost, but a promise I made to myself. A promise I failed to keep.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
My Great (mis)Adventure
Yesterday after buying toilet paper and painting my nails, I decided to head to the bigger Wal-mart in the area (that I know of) to do my pre-deployment shopping. This Wal-mart also happens to be over an hour away by bus/trolley.
The trip there went off without a hitch, as did the shopping part. Of course the shopping was a breeze! I ran into a trio of odd people talking loudly to anyone and everyone about anything, and a woman so drunk she couldn't get things in her buggy (er... basket) who was still carrying her solo cup and sipping from it.
Toward the end of my shopping I realized I needed a bag to carry it all in, otherwise I'd never make it out of the parking lot... forget about making it home! So I bought the bigger bag they had.
I spent about half an hour arranging and re-arranging everything trying to get everything to fit. I ended up with one huge bag left (I also stopped at Best Buy and Barnes and Noble). I began my walk toward the bus stop (over half a mile away), and the remaining bag was cutting off the circulation.
Finally, after much internal debate, I decided to stop at target to get a tote or backpack to put the rest of my purchases in. Shortly after I decided to stop, I realized my bag was getting more and more difficult to wheel behind me. I looked back and realized that one of the wheels had broke under the weight of all my purchases.
I dragged all this through Target and picked out a suitcase that would fit all my good and hold up to the trip. I also picked up a laptop backpack in case of any left over. Another half hour of arranging ensued. I've never gotten so many funny looks... too bad that wasn't the end of it!
The walk to the bus was relatively uneventful, as was the actual bus ride. Once I got off the bus I was stopped several times.
The first was a man outside of a strip club asking if I was ok... I'm assuming he stepped out to smoke, and I can only imagine the internal turmoil that led up to asking me if I was alright. Shortly afterward a group of 4 young men who appeared to be up to no good made comments about how I'd been kicked out and I was extremely close to bitching at them over it... until I realized the could easily take me out... I opted of an internal chuckle instead.
The next stop was a man who got into the wrong lane to pull over and ask me if I wanted a ride. Now, personally, I make it a habit to refuse rides from strangers, especially at night, so although I was sweating, breathing hard, and switching hand every 10 steps or so I politely declined and continued my journey.
My favorite stop of the night was the man to stopped me from the other side of the road. He offered me money in case I was hungry. He legitimately thought I was homeless. I once again politely declined, let him know I was almost home, and continued trudging toward home.
My last and final stop was a taxi driver. 3 blocks from home. He said he could "help". For a fee of course.
I somehow made it home, and in once piece. From now on, I'm going to be extremely careful about how much I buy when I'm using public transportation!
The trip there went off without a hitch, as did the shopping part. Of course the shopping was a breeze! I ran into a trio of odd people talking loudly to anyone and everyone about anything, and a woman so drunk she couldn't get things in her buggy (er... basket) who was still carrying her solo cup and sipping from it.
Toward the end of my shopping I realized I needed a bag to carry it all in, otherwise I'd never make it out of the parking lot... forget about making it home! So I bought the bigger bag they had.
I spent about half an hour arranging and re-arranging everything trying to get everything to fit. I ended up with one huge bag left (I also stopped at Best Buy and Barnes and Noble). I began my walk toward the bus stop (over half a mile away), and the remaining bag was cutting off the circulation.
Finally, after much internal debate, I decided to stop at target to get a tote or backpack to put the rest of my purchases in. Shortly after I decided to stop, I realized my bag was getting more and more difficult to wheel behind me. I looked back and realized that one of the wheels had broke under the weight of all my purchases.
I dragged all this through Target and picked out a suitcase that would fit all my good and hold up to the trip. I also picked up a laptop backpack in case of any left over. Another half hour of arranging ensued. I've never gotten so many funny looks... too bad that wasn't the end of it!
The walk to the bus was relatively uneventful, as was the actual bus ride. Once I got off the bus I was stopped several times.
The first was a man outside of a strip club asking if I was ok... I'm assuming he stepped out to smoke, and I can only imagine the internal turmoil that led up to asking me if I was alright. Shortly afterward a group of 4 young men who appeared to be up to no good made comments about how I'd been kicked out and I was extremely close to bitching at them over it... until I realized the could easily take me out... I opted of an internal chuckle instead.
The next stop was a man who got into the wrong lane to pull over and ask me if I wanted a ride. Now, personally, I make it a habit to refuse rides from strangers, especially at night, so although I was sweating, breathing hard, and switching hand every 10 steps or so I politely declined and continued my journey.
My favorite stop of the night was the man to stopped me from the other side of the road. He offered me money in case I was hungry. He legitimately thought I was homeless. I once again politely declined, let him know I was almost home, and continued trudging toward home.
My last and final stop was a taxi driver. 3 blocks from home. He said he could "help". For a fee of course.
I somehow made it home, and in once piece. From now on, I'm going to be extremely careful about how much I buy when I'm using public transportation!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Discovery: Public Transportation
My blog life is now dedicated to me gaining my independence, and until recently I believed to truly be independent you had to have a car. How wrong was I?
I'm fortunate enough, for the first time in my life, to live in a city large enough to have a public transportation system. I made use of this for the first time last night, and its pretty awesome being able to go places without depending on people or paying astronomical prices for a cab. Five bucks to ride all day? I'm down! Cheaper than gas prices!!
Saying last time was the first time I'd used the public transportation system here in San Diego isn't exactly true... I used to ride the trolley from base to Downtown to go the club, but it seem easier somehow, and less public transportation-y somehow. Yes, going to get drunk via trolley is much less public transportation than going somewhere on a bus... don't ask, I could never explain!
I was supposed to meet a friend from work downtown for sushi last night, and I freaked out. Because that's how I handle things. I googled, and looked it up on the MTS website a million times before finally leaving the house. Then I looked it up on my phone about 5 times on my way to the bus station. Once I got to the bus station, I freaked out again... checked the maps several times as well as my phone.
Finally the bus came..... *deep breath* I stepped on, fed my money into the machine and took my seat. So far so good.
That's when my heart started pounding, the stomach developed the ability to do somersaults, and my brain ran though every horrible situation imaginable. The I freaked out again... how do I let the driver no when I want off!!! I decided to watch the people in front of me, to see what they did. Finally someone pulled the cord in front of him, and sign at the front of the bus lit up. Yay! I figured it out. Wait... I don't have a cord like the one he pulled... his was vertical... I only have horizontal one going to the next vertical one near me! Can I pull that? I don't know... I'll just get up and pull the closest vertical one. But how hard do I pull it? Will I break it?
The rest of the trip went pretty much the same way... but I managed to make it downtown, get off at the right stop and meet my friend. Now that I know I can do it, there's no stopping me!! I can go anywhere I want now, it just requires some planning in advance, and by that I mean, Google and go!
I'm fortunate enough, for the first time in my life, to live in a city large enough to have a public transportation system. I made use of this for the first time last night, and its pretty awesome being able to go places without depending on people or paying astronomical prices for a cab. Five bucks to ride all day? I'm down! Cheaper than gas prices!!
Saying last time was the first time I'd used the public transportation system here in San Diego isn't exactly true... I used to ride the trolley from base to Downtown to go the club, but it seem easier somehow, and less public transportation-y somehow. Yes, going to get drunk via trolley is much less public transportation than going somewhere on a bus... don't ask, I could never explain!
I was supposed to meet a friend from work downtown for sushi last night, and I freaked out. Because that's how I handle things. I googled, and looked it up on the MTS website a million times before finally leaving the house. Then I looked it up on my phone about 5 times on my way to the bus station. Once I got to the bus station, I freaked out again... checked the maps several times as well as my phone.
Finally the bus came..... *deep breath* I stepped on, fed my money into the machine and took my seat. So far so good.
That's when my heart started pounding, the stomach developed the ability to do somersaults, and my brain ran though every horrible situation imaginable. The I freaked out again... how do I let the driver no when I want off!!! I decided to watch the people in front of me, to see what they did. Finally someone pulled the cord in front of him, and sign at the front of the bus lit up. Yay! I figured it out. Wait... I don't have a cord like the one he pulled... his was vertical... I only have horizontal one going to the next vertical one near me! Can I pull that? I don't know... I'll just get up and pull the closest vertical one. But how hard do I pull it? Will I break it?
The rest of the trip went pretty much the same way... but I managed to make it downtown, get off at the right stop and meet my friend. Now that I know I can do it, there's no stopping me!! I can go anywhere I want now, it just requires some planning in advance, and by that I mean, Google and go!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Becoming myself
It's been just under a year since my last post and my life has completely changed since then. These changes are a huge part of the reason I stopped posting and eventually made my blogs private. My world pretty much came crashing down around me and for a while it was all I could do to make it through the day.
Shortly after my last post AJ and I separated. We are now it the process of getting divorced... we're simply waiting to be able to finalize the paperwork (we have to wait 6 months).
Not to worry though, I'm much better now. I've moved on and even found someone new. Data is my goofy, amazing "old man". He makes me smile and laugh constantly. More importantly he knows how important it is for me to be my own person, and he pushes me to not only see that, but strive for it. He wants me to become a better person, a strong, independent, and unique woman, not for him, but for myself.
That's where my blog comes in, this is going to be my way of pushing myself to do just that. This is going to be where I chronicle becoming the woman I want to be, that strong, unique, and independent woman who values herself above all else. I plan to do all the things I've always wanted and needed to do for myself, and write about it here.
This blog is the start of all that, but what else do I have on my list? Let's see:
Shortly after my last post AJ and I separated. We are now it the process of getting divorced... we're simply waiting to be able to finalize the paperwork (we have to wait 6 months).
Not to worry though, I'm much better now. I've moved on and even found someone new. Data is my goofy, amazing "old man". He makes me smile and laugh constantly. More importantly he knows how important it is for me to be my own person, and he pushes me to not only see that, but strive for it. He wants me to become a better person, a strong, independent, and unique woman, not for him, but for myself.
That's where my blog comes in, this is going to be my way of pushing myself to do just that. This is going to be where I chronicle becoming the woman I want to be, that strong, unique, and independent woman who values herself above all else. I plan to do all the things I've always wanted and needed to do for myself, and write about it here.
This blog is the start of all that, but what else do I have on my list? Let's see:
- Writing regularly (both blogging, personal journal, as well as fiction)
- Photography
- Cook and shop for groceries more often
- Make a budget (and stick to it)
- Buy my own car
- Work towards being debt free
- Increase my credit score
- Start college classes
Monday, May 10, 2010
Ship life and religion
It's been crazy since I reported on Wednesday. I've been extremely tired when I get home, and its such a major adjustment for me. We're working long hours since we just got out of dry dock. It's kinda nice to actually have stuff to do... or at least see that there is stuff to do.
Hopefully before too long I can start working on my basic quals. I'm actually super excited about that. The people in my shop seem pretty cool, so I'm hoping that it stays that way. I'll need then to keep me sane on deployment, so lets hope they're not making me insane!
AH is on duty today and is staying on board his ship for the first time since they returned home. I really miss him being here. I don't like how empty the apartment feels without him. It's gonna be my first night sleeping alone too... I dunno how I'm gonna sleep tonight. I plan on jumping in the shower then curling up in bed with my book til I crash.
I'm other news, I feel a strong desire to start reading in my Asatru/Heathery/Norse research again. I'm really hoping maybe before too long I'll feel comfortable enough to start throwing some practicing in there. I feel super connected with everything I've read, and I hope that only continues to grow.
I feel the need to make my life more pagan/heathen/witchy. I miss my old alter, and having pagan things around me, even though I've evolved alot since my earlier Wicca influenced eclecticism. I definitely feel my current studies are heading down the path I'm meant to be on. There is so much that I want to learn about though! I need a decent library...
Hopefully before too long I can start working on my basic quals. I'm actually super excited about that. The people in my shop seem pretty cool, so I'm hoping that it stays that way. I'll need then to keep me sane on deployment, so lets hope they're not making me insane!
AH is on duty today and is staying on board his ship for the first time since they returned home. I really miss him being here. I don't like how empty the apartment feels without him. It's gonna be my first night sleeping alone too... I dunno how I'm gonna sleep tonight. I plan on jumping in the shower then curling up in bed with my book til I crash.
I'm other news, I feel a strong desire to start reading in my Asatru/Heathery/Norse research again. I'm really hoping maybe before too long I'll feel comfortable enough to start throwing some practicing in there. I feel super connected with everything I've read, and I hope that only continues to grow.
I feel the need to make my life more pagan/heathen/witchy. I miss my old alter, and having pagan things around me, even though I've evolved alot since my earlier Wicca influenced eclecticism. I definitely feel my current studies are heading down the path I'm meant to be on. There is so much that I want to learn about though! I need a decent library...
Monday, May 3, 2010
Baby worries
Alan was off Friday, so I missed Feel Good Friday to spend time with him. Actually he was off all weekend, and it was great! I realized that all the little things people tend to take for granted are the theings that make me the happiest. You know the holding hands, hugs, stolen kisses, the I love you's, the little things that show each other that you love them. For example, we were driving back from my MIL's house yesterday, and I put my hand on his leg, he reached up and grabbed my hand and just held it. It put the biggest grin on my face.
Despite my frustration the other day AJ and I are seriously considering me getting my IUD removed start trying to have a baby. I was supposed to get my sea duty done today (or try to, I couldn't get an appointment), but my alarm didn't go off, and I was considering swinging by OB/GYN to make an appointment on the way out. Obviously that failed since I ended up waking up late.
I know AJ is really sure about wanting to be a parent, and has never expressed any fears or nervousness about it. I on the other hand, even though I know 100% that I want to be a parent, I have all these little fears that make me nervous about getting my IUD removed.
First of all, there's the 'Will I be a good parent?' and 'Am I ready/are we ready?' Despite the fact that I've been around children and babies my entire life and helped in taking care of them, I've never had a child of my own (obviously). I know its a HUGE commitment, and a huge difference from taking care of someone else's child.
Then comes the 'Will it be too much stress on our marriage?' AJ and I have been married just under a year and a half. We have a strong relationship, and we've made it through a deployment and only 6 months being able to see each other (non consecutively). We have our problems and argue, but I know that's normal in any relationship. However, I know a baby brings competely different stresses, and just don't know how we would handle that. I don't know what I'd do without my husband, so the thought anything hurting our marriage scares the crap out of me.
My last fear is 'Will the baby steal him from me?' I know this is completely ridiculous on many levels, but its still something I've thought about a lot. AJ has wanted a child as long as I've known him, and I worry that he will focus all his attention on the baby instead of me. Obviously I don't expect all of his attention, but I worry that there will be no place for me in his heart once our baby arrives.
Am I completely insane? Is this normal? Or does it mean I'm not ready? I really don't know...
Despite my frustration the other day AJ and I are seriously considering me getting my IUD removed start trying to have a baby. I was supposed to get my sea duty done today (or try to, I couldn't get an appointment), but my alarm didn't go off, and I was considering swinging by OB/GYN to make an appointment on the way out. Obviously that failed since I ended up waking up late.
I know AJ is really sure about wanting to be a parent, and has never expressed any fears or nervousness about it. I on the other hand, even though I know 100% that I want to be a parent, I have all these little fears that make me nervous about getting my IUD removed.
First of all, there's the 'Will I be a good parent?' and 'Am I ready/are we ready?' Despite the fact that I've been around children and babies my entire life and helped in taking care of them, I've never had a child of my own (obviously). I know its a HUGE commitment, and a huge difference from taking care of someone else's child.
Then comes the 'Will it be too much stress on our marriage?' AJ and I have been married just under a year and a half. We have a strong relationship, and we've made it through a deployment and only 6 months being able to see each other (non consecutively). We have our problems and argue, but I know that's normal in any relationship. However, I know a baby brings competely different stresses, and just don't know how we would handle that. I don't know what I'd do without my husband, so the thought anything hurting our marriage scares the crap out of me.
My last fear is 'Will the baby steal him from me?' I know this is completely ridiculous on many levels, but its still something I've thought about a lot. AJ has wanted a child as long as I've known him, and I worry that he will focus all his attention on the baby instead of me. Obviously I don't expect all of his attention, but I worry that there will be no place for me in his heart once our baby arrives.
Am I completely insane? Is this normal? Or does it mean I'm not ready? I really don't know...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Doggie Don't...
We've had our 2 year old black lab for around a month now. I love him. He's a sweet, affectionate dog who has tons of energy. He's playful and cute. He thinks he lap dog, despite the fact that he weighs 80 lbs and is the size a two month old foal. He's everything you want in a dog, except he's driving AJ and I insane!
We adopted him from the Animal Shelter not far from our apartment, so everything we know about him comes from the little they knew. Apparently he was found in the streets and brought in. He didn't do well in the kennels at the shelter, and on our trip home while reading over his record I discovered he had been recommended for euthanasia.
In time we've had him, we've also come to believe that his previous owner's were cruel. He has several scars on his legs and inside his ears, and when we light a cigarette he cowers and runs away. Our best guess is his previous owners burned him either as punishment or because they thought is was funny.
I'm still happy we adopted him, he's definitely found a way into my heart, but his training is severely lacking. He'll sit for a treat or if he wants to, but other than that, he doesn't seem to have any training. He pulls on the leash, won't use the restroom on the leash, and we're sure if he's off the leash he'll take off. He isn't house broken, and we've found the only place he'll do his business that bothers us the least is the patio. Our patio is constantly covered with urine, feces, and black hair.
On top of that, when he's indoors, he's bounding from place to place, following us around with his nose all but up our rears, and when we sit his head is constantly in our laps. We don't have a dinner table so we eat on the couch. He begs and gets super close to our food. When we're on our laptops or the computer in the living room his face is on our lap. He lays his head down on the keyboard so if I'm typing I end up with 'alskdjf;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;faseoainaek sad' and when I play WoW, my character is the one you see yelling 'AEAIdfaearu', jumping several times then moving back and forth like its having a seizure.
We've tried everything can think of, we don't know how to fix him. Not that he's broken, he's just untrained and stubborn. We're frustrated. He doesn't understand what he's doing wrong. He needs to be trained... we need to be trained as well. Now we just have to find an inexpensive trainer who fits into our schedule, if you can call it a schedule. We also need a yard he call his own. The search is on... hope I can find at least one of the two.
On a less frustrated note, toasted PB&J's are great!
Now I'm off to pick up poop. I'm bribing myself to clean the icky patio, and vacuum... what is my bribe? I have WoW running on our gaming computer, and I can't play til I get it done... I such a nerd!
We adopted him from the Animal Shelter not far from our apartment, so everything we know about him comes from the little they knew. Apparently he was found in the streets and brought in. He didn't do well in the kennels at the shelter, and on our trip home while reading over his record I discovered he had been recommended for euthanasia.
In time we've had him, we've also come to believe that his previous owner's were cruel. He has several scars on his legs and inside his ears, and when we light a cigarette he cowers and runs away. Our best guess is his previous owners burned him either as punishment or because they thought is was funny.
I'm still happy we adopted him, he's definitely found a way into my heart, but his training is severely lacking. He'll sit for a treat or if he wants to, but other than that, he doesn't seem to have any training. He pulls on the leash, won't use the restroom on the leash, and we're sure if he's off the leash he'll take off. He isn't house broken, and we've found the only place he'll do his business that bothers us the least is the patio. Our patio is constantly covered with urine, feces, and black hair.
On top of that, when he's indoors, he's bounding from place to place, following us around with his nose all but up our rears, and when we sit his head is constantly in our laps. We don't have a dinner table so we eat on the couch. He begs and gets super close to our food. When we're on our laptops or the computer in the living room his face is on our lap. He lays his head down on the keyboard so if I'm typing I end up with 'alskdjf;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;faseoainaek sad' and when I play WoW, my character is the one you see yelling 'AEAIdfaearu', jumping several times then moving back and forth like its having a seizure.
We've tried everything can think of, we don't know how to fix him. Not that he's broken, he's just untrained and stubborn. We're frustrated. He doesn't understand what he's doing wrong. He needs to be trained... we need to be trained as well. Now we just have to find an inexpensive trainer who fits into our schedule, if you can call it a schedule. We also need a yard he call his own. The search is on... hope I can find at least one of the two.
On a less frustrated note, toasted PB&J's are great!
Now I'm off to pick up poop. I'm bribing myself to clean the icky patio, and vacuum... what is my bribe? I have WoW running on our gaming computer, and I can't play til I get it done... I such a nerd!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Feel Good Friday
Since this week has been a crappy one I decided to participate in a meme to help me highlight the good things! I've seen several others participate in it, and I enjoyed reading there posts.... so here's mine!
7/11 Coffee: I was aquanted with 7/11's lovely coffee bar this week. Not only does it rock, but service member's in uniform get free coffee if they bring their own cup. How awesome is that?
Grapes: I bought the most yummy grapes yesterday... mmmm
Friday off work: I was off work today... I have literally done nothing. Aah! So nice! I'll clean tomorrow I swear...
AJ coming home every night: My favorite part of the day is my love coming home! I love that instant he walk in the door, all I can do is grin.
Finally recommended for a consultation for my wisdom teeth: My wisdom teeth have caused me problems since I was 11. No one ever wants to do anything about it. I went to dental for check out, and they finally, FINALLY, recommended I go in for a consultation so the doc can figure out when he wants to yank em! Soooo happy!
Domestic Frustrations
One of these days I'll actually start to post with regularity, I swear. I love blogging, but I can never get my life into anything that resembles a schedule.
I finally got my house looking clean, it was great when my husband returned! Since then its become a little messy, but not a mess, if that makes any sense. It doesn't help that we've adopted a 80lbs black lab, who is not exactly house broken, and sheds like crazy! Not to mention work has been completely insane for in, and fairly insane for me as well. I'm in the final stages of checking out of my current command, and I'm due to report (no later than) May 5th. I should (hopefully) be checking out completely on Monday. I'm hoping to head to the Social Security office in hopes to change my name legally (still haven't done it and been married over a year!) before I report. I also need to call the DMV in North Carolina to get my name changed on my driver's license.
I'm both nervous and excited about checking into my ship, and I know that my schedule will probably be pretty crazy once I do.
This week I've come to a pretty strong realization, and a somewhat saddening one at that. I had this insane idea that once AJ returned from deployment we'd have this normal married life. You know, coming home from work, having dinner together, enjoying our weekends together, ect ect. That's definitely not the case, and probably won't be the case for a long time. We've had one weekend together since we've started working, and I've only cooked a handful of times. He gets off work late, so he eats dinner there, leaving me no real reason to cook. We get maybe 2 hours together before time for him to go to bed, and that's if he stays up late. Not to mention he's exhausted.
All this makes me wonder how in the world we were possibly considering bringing a baby into this world. We have no time for each other, the dog could probably use more attention, how could be have time for a helpless child! I can't imagine having a child when its father would almost never be around.
I wonder if maybe I'm just not giving us enough time to get into a 'normal' schedule, but at the same time, I really don't think so. I know other people do it though....
I think I'm mostly just frustrated because I had this fantasy and real life isn't living up to it.
On the domestic end, I haven't done much that I'd planned to do. I haven't created a meal plan past the first one, I haven't cooked more than twice a week, I've slacked big time clipping and organizing coupons, I haven't gone grocery shopping since AJ got back from deployment. I'm so happy he's home, but I wish we could have some small piece of a normal home life. For now I think I'm going to have to be happy with the fact that we sleep in the same bed.
I finally got my house looking clean, it was great when my husband returned! Since then its become a little messy, but not a mess, if that makes any sense. It doesn't help that we've adopted a 80lbs black lab, who is not exactly house broken, and sheds like crazy! Not to mention work has been completely insane for in, and fairly insane for me as well. I'm in the final stages of checking out of my current command, and I'm due to report (no later than) May 5th. I should (hopefully) be checking out completely on Monday. I'm hoping to head to the Social Security office in hopes to change my name legally (still haven't done it and been married over a year!) before I report. I also need to call the DMV in North Carolina to get my name changed on my driver's license.
I'm both nervous and excited about checking into my ship, and I know that my schedule will probably be pretty crazy once I do.
This week I've come to a pretty strong realization, and a somewhat saddening one at that. I had this insane idea that once AJ returned from deployment we'd have this normal married life. You know, coming home from work, having dinner together, enjoying our weekends together, ect ect. That's definitely not the case, and probably won't be the case for a long time. We've had one weekend together since we've started working, and I've only cooked a handful of times. He gets off work late, so he eats dinner there, leaving me no real reason to cook. We get maybe 2 hours together before time for him to go to bed, and that's if he stays up late. Not to mention he's exhausted.
All this makes me wonder how in the world we were possibly considering bringing a baby into this world. We have no time for each other, the dog could probably use more attention, how could be have time for a helpless child! I can't imagine having a child when its father would almost never be around.
I wonder if maybe I'm just not giving us enough time to get into a 'normal' schedule, but at the same time, I really don't think so. I know other people do it though....
I think I'm mostly just frustrated because I had this fantasy and real life isn't living up to it.
On the domestic end, I haven't done much that I'd planned to do. I haven't created a meal plan past the first one, I haven't cooked more than twice a week, I've slacked big time clipping and organizing coupons, I haven't gone grocery shopping since AJ got back from deployment. I'm so happy he's home, but I wish we could have some small piece of a normal home life. For now I think I'm going to have to be happy with the fact that we sleep in the same bed.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Clean House and Chocolate cake
With all the cleaning I've been doing to get ready for my husbands return, I haven't done any posting! I'm pleased to say that I have gotten everything cleaned up for the most part. I have to clean out the car still. All I have left in the house is vacuuming, sweeping and mopping, and organizing the stuff in a box I hadn't unpacked yet! Such a big improvement!!
I've also been cooking regularly! I bought two new cookbooks that I'm loving: Everything Meals on a Budget Cookbook and Anyone Can Cook. Now I've been cooking since I was 9 (give or take a couple years), so I don't really need a extremely basic cookbook like these, but I think they're great cookbooks anyway. I've done most of my meal plans using them. I plan on getting several more, but a little later. I would like to get Anyone Can Bake as well.
Speaking of baking, I had the urge to bake some kinda desert, but I don't have cookie sheets or cake pans, or anything like that, so I googled stove top dessert recipes. I stumbled across a nifty recipe I just had to try: 5-Minute Chocolate Cake! You make it in the microwave in a coffee mug. It's really yummy too. Forget those Betty Crocker Warm Delights! This has it topped for sure. It's light and fluffy, and really chocolaty! It calls for chocolate chips, but I used Dove Chocolate cut up in pieces... yuuum! Unfortunately it all fell to the bottom, but that's ok, I'll just have a chocolate heart attack at the end!
Here's the recipe so its all in one place:
I've also been cooking regularly! I bought two new cookbooks that I'm loving: Everything Meals on a Budget Cookbook and Anyone Can Cook. Now I've been cooking since I was 9 (give or take a couple years), so I don't really need a extremely basic cookbook like these, but I think they're great cookbooks anyway. I've done most of my meal plans using them. I plan on getting several more, but a little later. I would like to get Anyone Can Bake as well.
Speaking of baking, I had the urge to bake some kinda desert, but I don't have cookie sheets or cake pans, or anything like that, so I googled stove top dessert recipes. I stumbled across a nifty recipe I just had to try: 5-Minute Chocolate Cake! You make it in the microwave in a coffee mug. It's really yummy too. Forget those Betty Crocker Warm Delights! This has it topped for sure. It's light and fluffy, and really chocolaty! It calls for chocolate chips, but I used Dove Chocolate cut up in pieces... yuuum! Unfortunately it all fell to the bottom, but that's ok, I'll just have a chocolate heart attack at the end!
Here's the recipe so its all in one place:
- coffee mug
- 4 tablespoons flour
- 4 tablespoons sugar
- 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa
- 2 tablespoons whisked egg (1 egg is too much, 1 egg white is too eggy, 1 yolk is too dense, but 2 tbls is just )right!
- 3 tablespoons milk
- 3 tablespoons oil
- 3 tablespoons chocolate chips
- splash vanilla (or other flavoring - try peppermint or cinnamon)
Add all of the dry ingredients to the mug and mix. Add the egg and combine well. It gets pretty pasty at the point, Stir in milk and oil. Add chocolate chips and splash of vanilla. Stir well.
Microwave for 3 minutes in a 1000w oven, or 4 minutes in a 700w oven. It will start to crown over the top of the mug. Don't panic! It will collapse once the heat stops.For more fudgelike cake, omit egg. In place of chocolate chips, you can use small pieces of chocolate candy or candy bar.
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